Is it too much?
by gothfreaksrokk
Summary: Bella starts cutting herself when Edward leaves, but when he comes back, will she be able to tell him the truth?
1. Prologue

_Gone… _ The thought kept repeating itself over and over again in my already tortured mind. _He's never coming back…_

I grabbed the razor I had successfully hidden under my bed. I didn't want this… but I needed it.

I gripped the sharp metal in my hand and raked it down my wrist. The pain was immediate; intense and unrelenting. Again and again I cut myself, each time making more blood appear on my arm and the pain more pronounced. I hated doing this, but it was the only way to keep my sanity. The only way I could keep control.

But… why did I have to act normal? There was no one here for me anymore. Charlie had stopped trying to talk to me after Edward left, and none of my friends would try to talk to me at lunch anymore. I had made no effort to be human, and this was my just reward. I deserved to be in pain, because I didn't deserve anything else.

The blood from my arm was landing on my bedroom floor in a thick pool of unbroken red. The carped was doing a pretty good job of soaking it up, but I would have one hell of a mess to clean up later. _I'll have to do this in the bathroom next time,_ I wondered scantily.

I laid my head down in the floor, and there was a gentle draft coming up from between the floorboards. _Where was Charlie? He only turns off the heater if he leaves,_ I thought. _Maybe he decided that I wasn't worth it after all…_

Darkness enveloped me, but instead of it being peaceful, it was crushing. Panic jolted through me. Was I going to die?


	2. Chapter 1

I stumbled down the stairs, not caring if Charlie saw me this way. I didn't have time to look at the clock on my dresser on the way down, so I had no idea what time it was. My head hurt, and my mouth was very dry. I needed water, and I needed it _now_.

I tripped on the corner of the stairs, but caught myself on the kitchen table. There was a folded piece of paper on the table. "Bella," it said. I unfolded it with clumsy fingers.

_Be back by dinner. _

_-Dad _

Okay. Charlie wasn't here.

I scooted carefully around the table, reaching in the cupboard over the sink for a glass. I filled it quickly with tap water, and drank several glasses.

When I was finally filled and gasping for breath, I looked outside. There was the unmistakable dreary glow of a cloudy- but sunny- day. _Great day to do laundry,_ I thought. I sort of missed my friends, but not as much as I missed…

_No. I will not think about…_ I winced. _ Just stop thinking altogether! _I mentally scolded myself.

I sighed and washed my glass. The blood from my arm had coated my whole left hand. How much was there in my room?

I trudged up the stairs, but jerked to a stop when I entered my room- there was blood all over the floor and my bed sheets.

I sighed. I guess I would have to wash those too. I stripped my bed and put my sheets into the wash. I didn't want to have to explain the blood-stains on my yellow sheets, so I poured half the bleach bottle into the washing machine. Hopefully that would be enough to make them completely white.

I walked back into my room and took an economy sized bottle of Resolve to my carpet. After about twenty minutes of hard-scrubbing, I managed to do absolutely _nothing_.

Growling to myself, I tugged a throw-rug over the spot. Who cares? No one should be in my room anyway.

I avoided looking in the mirror on my way to the shower. I was afraid of what I would see.

The smell of my favorite strawberry shampoo calmed me a little while I watched the astounding amount of blood being washed down the drain… if I lost that much, shouldn't I be dead?

I shook my head at the thought. I was _obviously_ still alive. When I got out, I pulled on a dark blue long-sleeved shirt and a pair of skinny jeans. Who said I couldn't look nice for myself?

A knock at the door tugged me away from blow-drying my hair. I ambled down the stairs, not really caring who was there. There was only one person I wanted to see…

The door swung open, and a short dark-haired girl walked in. "Just a second," she whispered.

I stared in shock. _Alice? _

She ghosted away and returned in less time than I was able to count.

A choking noise escaped my throat. What was she doing here?

"Bella," she started. "What did you do?" Her topaz eyes were a mix of anger and sadness.

"What?"

"What did you _do_?" she asked again. "I can smell your blood all over the house! I'm surprised you're still alive!"

I waited, not really sure how to answer that. I loved Alice, but I didn't think I could tell her the truth.

"Bella," she said again, quieter this time. "I had a vision last night that you would commit suicide."

My breath caught in my throat.

"Edward found out, and he's on his way." She shook her head. "Why did you cut yourself so many times?"

I glanced at her face. She was honestly curious, but she seemed angry with me.

"It was sort of an accident…"

"You cut yourself _on accident_?" She sighed and pushed me into a chair. "That's not how I saw it."

Tears started making their way down my face. I couldn't believe I had stooped to hurting myself just to make a different pain go away. "I'm so sorry," I sobbed. "I can't believe that I…"

My words started becoming incoherent. "Please forgive me, Alice!"

"Oh, Bella," she sighed. Her cool breath wafted across my face. She pulled me into her lap and I sobbed on her shoulder. How could I have been so _stupid_?

"Uh oh," Alice whispered. "He's going to be here sooner than I thought…"

I sat up and wiped my eyes. "How soon is that?" I croaked.

Edward burst through the front door.


	3. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews! I can't thank you guys enough for the support! Sorry I took longer to get this chapter up… it required a lot of thought.**

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"Bella, go up into the bathroom and wash your face," Alice told me quietly. "I'll keep Edward distracted, okay?"

I nodded. I wanted to see him, but not this way…

Alice left the kitchen and nodded to me. I walked up to the bathroom but stopped at the top of the stairs.

"What is going on?" I heard Edward ask angrily. "Where's Bella?"

"Calm down Edward," Alice pleaded. She tried to lower her voice, but Edward kept yelling.

"How much blood did she loose?" he asked. "Is she unconscious? Where is she?"

"Edward, get a hold of yourself," Alice hissed. "She's fine. Just give her a few minutes to clean up."

I slipped into the bathroom and washed my face with a warm wash-cloth. I looked more pale than usual, but I could pass for healthy.

"Why don't you take a couple minutes to go hunting?" Alice suggested. "Your eyes are blacker than I've ever seen them. Her blood can't be helping."

The silence in the house was only broken by the sound of running water from my sink.

"Fine," he sighed. "Call me the minute she can talk, okay?"

"Sure."

Edward shut the front door of the house with a loud bang. I sighed.

"You should probably wrap your arm in something," Alice said behind me.

"Christ!" I nearly jumped out of my skin.

"No, I'm Alice, although I've heard the resemblance is startling," she whispered mischievously.

She reached around me and grabbed a box of gauze out of the medicine cabinet. "Here," she said. "Do you need help?"

I smiled sadly. Some things never changed.

She had my sleeve above my elbow and my arm wrapped faster than I could register. "There you go," she said. She gave me a knowing look and said, "I figured you didn't want to see…"

"Yeah," I murmured. "Thanks."

"No problem." She turned towards the bathroom door. "Let's get you a glass of water."

She took my hand and gently tugged me down the stairs. "I'll call Edward the second you ask me," she stated, "but not before."

She handed me a glass of water.

"Thanks," I sighed. How could I have been so stupid? I could have easily died, and then what? How could I think that cutting myself was going to fix anything? I had just made things worse!

"Bella?" Edward called.

Alice growled in the direction of the front door. "I'll be right back," she mumbled.

"Is she here, Alice?"

"Yes, she's here," Alice said softly. "Did it occur to you that maybe she didn't want to talk to you just yet?"

"Is she alright?" he asked quietly. "I'll leave if she doesn't want to see me, but I have to know if she's okay."

I set my glass on the table and walked into the hallway that led to the front door. I stood behind Alice, practically shaking with fear. I didn't know how he would react, let alone if he would even love me anymore…

"Bella," he whispered. His tousled bronze hair shone in the dim sunlight coming in through the still open door.

Alice turned around and glanced at me. "Okay?" she asked.

I nodded, not trusting my own voice. She looked at me a moment longer. "Call me later, Bella," she said as she slipped out the door behind Edward.

My knees started shaking uncontrollably.

"Bella," Edward whispered. He was at my side in a moment, hugging me tightly. He buried his face in my hair. "I was so sure I had lost you," he whispered. His cool breath made me shiver, but I couldn't bear to let him go. The tears started flowing freely, and my knees finally gave out.

"Shh," Edward soothed. "I've got you." He started rocking back and forth. "I'll never leave you again."

"I'm so… sorry," I sobbed. Edward rubbed small circles on my back. "I… can't…"

"I should never have left you, my beautiful Bella," Edward whispered. "That was the stupidest thing I have ever done."

I continued to cry into his chest. Edward let go of me only to wrap my arms around him. He was hugging me once again, and I couldn't believe he was back.

"Bella," Edward said quietly after I had calmed down. "Can you ever forgive me?"

I hugged him tighter, knowing there was nothing for me to forgive. He hadn't done anything to make me stop loving him.

"I love you," I whispered.

I felt Edward shake with silent laughter. "Ahh, Bella," he sighed. "How in love I am with you."

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**Sorry for making Alice sound kind of like Rosalie in this one. How was it?**


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